The beginning, middle and writing the end

 As I'm passing the crest of my mid 40's, I've come to many conclusions that I never used to further my ambitions or my life.

I need to change that, I need to bypass the switch. I don't know how and every day becomes more of a struggle. As of last year, I was diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic. The year before that, I found that the growth on my neck was skin cancer burrowing into my neck, and it was Malignant. I caught it in time, thankfully.

Seeing my blood sugars jump to over 400 last night helped bypass the switch for a moment. Then again, hearing from my older cousin Steven for the first time in years a week and a half before he passed also helped bypass it. It's the reality checks that tend to ebb and flow, and eventually fade away as my weight increases week by week, staying in the same ballpark as any other old guy that is sedentary in his job.

I guess it's easier to think back on the times when getting up and going to the park was an every day thing. Its harder now with responsibilities, stress, money issues...and now health.

 I've gone from being in a relationship with a condescending, stuck up selfish woman to the complete opposite. It's difficult to shed the personality that I absorbed over the timespan of 20 years; which makes it difficult for my significant other to adjust and help me grow. She tries. She tries very hard and I will get there. She is not responsible for changing me, I need to be responsible for myself.

UPDATE: people are never what they seem; 8 months after this post I found that woman had never stopped messaging a man who is married with lewd and disgusting conversations. There's only one ride or die chick out there and I intend to pursue.

The hardest thing is I start these journals, repeatedly...year after year. I want to be held accountable for my actions, my weight....and with this year its the hope of working within law enforcement. We'll see how it goes, or if I even get on this blog again. UPDATE still not in law enforcement. I'm too lazy

current weight 269

6 ft 

blood sugars 90 day average 199